Konoha Royale
by Witch-Kail
Summary: What happens with everyone's favorite knuckle-headed ninja gets thrust into a mission way over his head? Well, I don't really know, since I'm making it up as I go.
1. Prologue

-Midnight. An office building in Konoha

Shadows covered the Ja-Pennies office complex; there were none around save a lone figure entering the tower. He cast suspicious glances about as he moved into the elevator, and reeled in his glances for a less suspicious cast.

"Come on, come on," the man grumbled as the elevator slowly made its way up to the sixth floor. He leaned over to the service window and peaked out. "Could ya hurry it up buddy?!" The small Asian man operating the pulley for the elevator nodded nervously and pulled with renewed vigor.

When he reached his office, the man wasted no time going to his office. His heavy coat swept the floor, something the dirty offices desperately needed. He pulled down the hood of his coat as he walked in his office and clicked on the lights.

"Hello, Kiba."

Kiba froze at the voice.

"The hokage doesn't mind if you're making money on the side…" another man was sitting in Kiba's office chair. He was dressed in the uniform and mask of the Anbu ninja assassin. Each Anbu had to make his own mask as the last step to initiation. This one was clearly a labor of love, not talent. The papier-mâché mask had been recently made, with a face painted similar to Tony the Tiger. It was still wet.

"She just wishes you weren't making it selling secrets."

The Anbu paused for dramatic effect, something he'd learned in Ninjary school. After waiting several long seconds, he got up and glared at Kiba.

"Well aren't you going-oh for Christ's sake, you can unfreeze now!"

The block of ice around Kiba cracked in half. As he shook off the last bits of the broken pun, he met the Anbu's gaze.

"So, this is it then? I see you're a new Anbu. You've already had your first kill then?"

"Yes," the Anbu lied, remembering vividly the Elmo doll he viciously eviscerated. Its laughter would no doubt give him nightmares for some time.

"But to be an Anbu," Kiba stated plainly, "it takes two…"

The assassin laughed behind his mask, "TO TANGO!"

"Ye-…wait, what?"

Before Kiba could react, the ninja clapped his hands and an up-tempo, deafening version of Por Una Cabeza began playing through the building's Muzak system. The Anbu assassin grabbed the confused traitor and pulled him into a tight – yet very proper – tango stance.

"Place your hand on my shoulder," the assassin instructed as he placed his own hand on Kiba's waist.

"Mm, I don't think this is how you assassinate peo-"

"Shut up and dance."

The pair twirled, sashayed, cha-cha'd, and did many other tango-y things. The ninja dipped Kiba low, and he took a moment to think how gentle his mysterious dance partner was. A spin followed, and he twirled in to the Anbu's embrace. He rolled out once more and they came together chest to chest, stepping in unison across the room.

"You, um, move gracefully," Kiba stammered.

"Thank you!" the would-be murderer said, "I practice a lot."

Kiba didn't have time to dwell on that as he felt himself dipped once more. The assassin turned and slid him between his legs and back up on his feet. Kiba could feel the Anbu's breath coming through his mask. It stank of ramen and acrylic.

"What paint did you use for your mask? I know some good places with competitive prices."

"I doubt you could beat what I paid for it. Got it from some Chinese guy in a mini-van, it's called Lead Dead Neverdry."

Kiba gagged slightly on the air in front of him. That voice….high and scratchy. It sounded so familiar. The assassin dipped him again, and Kiba felt one of his legs go up.

"Um, do we know each other?"

"It'd be pretty awkward to dance with a stranger, wouldn't it?" The ninja said in a giggle.

The music ended, and the two dancers separated. Ringing silence permeated the air for a long moment.

"So, uh…is that it then?" Kiba asked at last.

"Yep, all done," Replied the assassin. Somehow Kiba could hear his grin.

"So you're not going to kill me then?" Kiba said with a sigh of relief.

"Oh no!" the assassin said with a laugh, "I'm still going to kill you!"

"Uh huh, I…WHAT?"

He began walking towards Kiba, "I just never get a chance to practice my dance moves with different people. Sorry! You were really good though!"

Kiba frantically looked around for something to defend himself with. He opened the drawer of his desk and pulled out his small six-shooter and pointed it at the assassin. Again, he laughed.

"Don't be silly, we don't have guns!"

Kiba looked at the pistol in his hand again. Sure enough, it was a stapler. He moaned in despair; it was a frustrating world he lived in. Suddenly, he had an idea.

"NO!" Kiba shouted. The Anbu stepped back in surprise. "I am not about to be murdered by a complete stranger after he DANCED with me!" he declared, and promptly threw himself out the window.

"Huh….I wonder if that still counts as a kill," said Naruto Uzumaki, as he pulled off his Anbu mask and inspected the still drying paint job.

"Needs more orange," he murmured, and skipped out of the office.

Naruto Uzumaki in

Konoha Royale


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1.

Naruto was summoned to Tsunade's office the following morning to be debriefed on his mission. He felt it was a smashing success, for the most part. In a rare moment of wisdom, he chose to omit the fact that he didn't actually kill his target. Dead was dead, however, and as long as he got the desired result, so what if the method was less than satisfactory.

Her office was plainly decorated, mostly with the furnishings that had come with. One notable addition Tsunade had included was the wet bar she had installed in front of the mural of the Third Hokage. She was standing in front of it working on her second Colorado Motherfucker. After adding some refreshing, crisp coke to the top of the drink, she sat down across from Naruto.

"So, Kiba is dead."

"As dead as you can get, ma'am," he said with a smile.

"How did he die?"

Naruto thought about it for a long moment. "He danced with death."

"I see, a very gay death indeed, excellent." she sipped her drink, "Ah, nothing like the refreshing, crisp flavor of coke to spice up any drink!" she exclaimed, and winked at the camera.

"Um, what?" Naruto asked, ignoring the ruckus of the fourth wall collapsing behind him.

"Could I interest you in a cold one, Naruto? I've got coke, cherry coke, coke zero, diet coke, coke floats-"

"Um, I don't think that's…wait, Coke floats?"

Tsunade opened up the mini-fridge in her desk and slid a coke float across the table to Naruto. He happily began drinking it.

"Did we sign a deal with the Coca-Cola company for product placement or something?" he asked between sips.

"Who are they?" she asked idly and finished her Colorado Motherfucker. Naruto gulped. "We did sign a deal with Colombia though. This coke stuff is great!" She said, and promptly vomited on her desk.

"God I hate that part."

Naruto blanched and dumped the rest of his float into the potted plant beside him, which promptly wilted into dust. He looked back up at Tsunade expectantly. She was finger painting with her vomit.

"So, um…do I have a new mission?"

Tsunade glanced at him, and reached into her desk. She tossed a manila folder at Naruto. He hastily caught it before it could land in her bile. It had "For Your Eye Only" stamped across the front.

"Eye?" Naruto asked, raising a hand to shield his face.

"The mission was originally for Kakashi, but he failed."

Naruto paled and shifted in his seat as if he suddenly had to go to the bathroom very soon. "But-but-but! Kakashi is the best Anbu you have! If he failed….what could it be?" He opened the folder and began to cry softly.

"JESUS Christ, it isn't that bad, boy," Tsunade chided.

"You want me to DUEL Orochimaru?!" He wailed

"In a card game, yes," she said carefully.

"But, but, but, my deck isn't ready! This isn't fair!" Naruto gasped between sobs, "Orochimaru is the king of GAMES! Ever since he defeated that guy with the really cool hair…" Naruto trailed off, as he felt a flashback coming on.

"It's just the coke," Tsunade commented, as the walls melted away.

TWO YEARS AGO

"I summon THE DARK MAGICIAN AND ATTACK YOUR GOGIGA GAGAGIGO!" declared a tall man with outrageous hair, clearly too old to be playing card games.

"Die," said Orochimaru, and shot a sword out of his mouth that impaled the other man through the chest.

THE PRESENT

"Man, that was quick," Naruto noted.

"For too long, Orochimaru has dominated the card game circuit. He's used his power and influence to amass a legion of loyal followers, and he finances terrorism across the ninja world with his winnings and card racketeering," Tsunade monologued, "We must act now before he strikes one of the ninja villages. Although Kakashi failed, he did reveal an important weakness of Orochimaru's – he loves gambling, and never backs down from a challenge."

"I'd prefer criminal stupidity, or osteoporosis," Naruto commented.

"So, Orochimaru is holding a tournament in five days. We secured an invite for you-" she reached into her shirt and pulled out an envelope smeared in blood, "-and it was NOT easy."

"But, I don't think I'm ready for this, I just became an Anbu! Why not send Captain Yamato, or, or Ino! She can die instead!"

"We're going to give you several new cards to bolster your deck, and you don't have to duel Orochimaru. You simply must get close enough to take him down. How you do it is up to you. Your mission, Agent Naruto, is to stop Orochimaru, find out what anything he might be planning is, and capture or kill him. You also have a secondary objective, to rescue Kakashi. He never returned from his mission, we only received his last message yesterday. We believe he's still alive and being held in Orochimaru's Duelist Village."

"Okay, then…I better be goin-IS THAT A CHAOS SORCERER?" Naruto squeeled as he looked in the card sleeve in the envelope. "wait a minute…Tribe Infecting Virus…Chaos Emperor Dragon…Last Turn…RAIGEKI? THESE ARE ALL. BANNED. CARDS."

Tsunade sat up in her seat at that, "What? But our intelligence sources claimed they were the best ones!"

"That's why they're BANNED."

"Oh." Tsunade said, slouching back in her seat, "Oh. Well. Good luck Naruto!"

"Good-bye, Tsunade…" he said sadly as he turned to leave.

"One more thing," she called when he almost reached the door.

"What? How could this get worse?"

"You're not going alone."

Naruto's eyes narrowed, "Who are you…" and they immediately widened, "No, not him. Please."

"Oh yes. Him." She said, barely holding back a cackle of glee, "There's a buy-in of one million….huh," she stopped, dumbfounded. "Shit, what's our currency?"

"Hell if I know." Naruto said, and they both stared at the author.

"I don't know! Uh, Yen! Why not!" he yelled, and went back to clacking away at his computer.

"Right, one million yen, "Tsunade continued, "Our man will accompany you for backup, undercover as your accountant.

The doors opened up, and Sasuke Uchiha walked in the room, dressed smartly in a tailored business suit, made tacky only by the ping-pong paddle Uchiha symbol on the back of his suit. He looked Naruto up from head to toe as if he were looking at Tom Cruise's take on modern art.

"I'm the money," Sasuke said.

"Every penny of it," Naruto moaned, and slapped a hand over his face.

"You two will travel to the Dueling Village by, uh…" Tsunade trailed off again.

"TRAIN!" cried the author, as he hastily wrote trains into this nonsensical world.

"Train," continued Tsunade, "and you'll be using cover names. Naruto, you're Dickus Alickus, and Sasuke, you're…Tom."

"God WHAT THE-GRR" Naruto growled before throwing his mask on and cursing loudly behind it.

"That thing isn't soundproof, you know," Sasuke pointed out.

"SHUT UP!" Naruto cried, and stormed out of the room.

"We're doomed," Tsunade lamented, and began making herself another Colorado Motherfucker. "Be sure to take Naruto by the Armory for your equipment before leaving."

"Of course," Sasuke said while adjusting his red tie, "we're gonna need all the help we can get."


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2.

Naruto dragged his feet as he entered the armory; Sasuke and marched ahead without looking back. The armory – formally known as Fire Nation Firearms – was an underground facility near the Hokage Mountain. A steep staircase led down three flights to the entrance, a large metal door that swung out noisily on two hinges. Naruto blinked his eyes to adjust to the new lighting. Inside the FNF lobby, the armory was brightly lit with fluorescent lights from the ceiling and the clear glass columns lining the path to the reception desk.

"So let me get this straight," Naruto said, "we don't have guns or cars, but we HAVE discovered fluorescence and photochemistry?"

"Shut up Naruto, breaking character again," Sasuke chided, "just ignore it."

A young woman was sitting at the reception desk. Her long ponytail flipped over her face and covered one eye, and her dress was more appropriate for a house of ill repute than a heavily guarded munitions facility.

"Hello Sasuke!" the girl said cheerily, smiling brightly at him, "Hi Naruto," she added, eyeing Naruto from head to toe as if he were dressed like a homeless bag lady and smelled the same.

"I notice when you people look at me like that," Naruto said, noticing the way people looked at him.

"It's nothing personal," said the girl, "what can I get for you?"

"Look Ino, I'll cut to the chase," Sasuke said, cutting to the chase, "Tsunade has put us on a life or death mission to save the ninja world from global terrorism, racketeering, corruption, extortion, and destruction with a card game designed for 12 year olds."

"That's fascinating. Go down the hall to the left for your gear. Captain Yamato will assist you."

Naruto and Sasuke walked past several offices, filled with ninja only qualified to do ninja paperwork. They came to the last room and found Yamato tying a ninja headband around a mannequin's head.

"Oh captain, my captain!" Naruto said, cheering up at the sight of his old friend.

"Just a moment Naruto, back up please," Yamato instructed. They stepped outside a yellow line around the mannequin and watched silently. Yamato checked his watch.

"We have watc-OOF" Naruto doubled over in pain from the elbow Sasuke plunged into his gut.

"Sorry about this Fred," Yamato said, and pressed a button on his watch. Instantly, the headband on the mannequin exploded, blowing the entire head to splinters, along with most of the torso. Smoking debris fluttered down while scientists rushed in with fire extinguishers.

"I think you put Fred's headband on too tight," Naruto said nervously, as he loosened his own headband.

"Eight ounces of highly compacted directional charge of C4 placed inside the metal of the band," Yamato explained, "it blasts directly into the brain, killing all but the toughest opponents."

"What else have you got Y?" said Naruto, addressing the captain by his FNF code name.

"Well, we're working on this exciting new technology. It ignites this petroleum compound we created within a contained system, releasing tremendous amounts of energy. We're thinking about calling it the internal combust-"

"NO!" shouted Sasuke suddenly. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at him. Sasuke looked over his shoulder at the man in the corner clacking away at his computer, who nodded his approval.

"Anyways," Sasuke continued, "we need supplies for our mission, Y. Do you have anything appropriate?"

"Of course I do," the captain replied, slightly annoyed. He gestured to the table beside him, and picked up a small dagger.

"You're typical metal kunai," Y said expositionally.

"Y, I believe I am familiar with that device," Sasuke interrupted.

"NOT one loaded with gunpowder," he continued, not hiding his agitation, "toss into any solid object, and the handle detonates the magnesium – potassium core, creating a blinding flash and deafening bang, guaranteed to disorient your opponents."

"A bang up job, indeed," Naruto quipped.

"A non-lethal kunai, great," Sasuke muttered.

Y continued, moving on to the other kunai on the table. "You also have a poisoned kunai. One cut will cause the victim to enter a deathlike trance for one hour, be careful not to cut yourself. The last one here is the standard explosive kunai. Remember, red for explosive, blue for the flashbang, and green for the poison."

"Got it!" Naruto lied, hoping his color blindness wouldn't be too much of an issue.

"This here, I am particularly proud of," Y beamed, holding up a black ninja mask with a narrow slit for the eyes.

"Oh, let me guess!" Naruto chirped in, "the mask has a gas mask filter, and the cloth is Kevlar mesh to resist cutting."

"No, actually," Y said, confused, "it's to cover your face when you're on missions. I feel this one will revolutionize the ninja world. I based it off Kakashi's original mask design."

"Yeah, and a lot of good it did him," Sasuke interrupted, "do you have any other useful items?"

Y glared at Sasuke before picking up a small plastic container. "You should appreciate these. Sharin-gone contact lenses. One time use, lasting up to three days if used modestly before dissolving harmlessly into your eyes."

"Gross," Naruto said.

"Perhaps, but these contacts are the latest in our chakra infusion program. They provide long range telescopic vision, x-ray, infrared, and ultraviolet spectrum viewing. They'll get you past any retina scanners you encounter, and can also photograph anything you see and transmit them to our servers here." Y gestured at the towering ENIAC systems lining the wall. As he did so, one vomited a mile of recording tape and collapsed into a pile of dust.

"We've been meaning to upgrade," Y said nonchalantly.

"I'll admit, those are interesting trinkets," Sasuke replied, "but they don't compare to the real thing," he activated his own Sharingan to drive the point home. Y grinned and met his advance.

"I wasn't finished, we've also infused enough chakra into the contacts for a one time use of Tsukuyomi and Amaterasu. Tsukuyomi in the left, Amaterasu in the right. Do note that if you use either technique, it will exhaust your contact's chakra supply immediately and dissolve, so be sure it's what you want to do. Tsukuyomi's uses are best suited for interrogation, especially if you don't want to leave physical evidence on your victim. The usefulness of the black flames of Amaterasu, I think, speaks for itself."

"Cool!" Naruto exclaimed.

"And they come in three colors. Blue, green, and red."

"Gimme the blue ones!" Naruto said, snatching them out of Y's hand, "I can't wait to try out Tsukuyomi. How many of these do you have?"

"We only have one set for you Naruto. We assume Sasuke won't need one, since he already has a Sharingan himself."

"Hmf," Sasuke grunted, looking disinterested.

"Why can't I have more? If these things are so super useful, why not give me a dozen?" Naruto asked, insisting on pursuing the difficult questions.

"Because these are new prototypes. Not fully tested, you see. They're fresh out of R&D," Y responded, and leaned in conspiratorially to Naruto, "also, the plot won't let you have twenty god mode trinkets. No way."

"Man, what a bummer," Naruto whined. He noticed Y moving to pick up a packet of instant ramen noodles. "Oh, and is that lunch?" he asked hopefully, reaching for it.

"Don't touch that!" Y exclaimed, snatching it away. "Just add water. The ramen unravels into a 75 foot rappelling cord, capable of supporting your weight."

Naruto stared at the ramen hungrily, "what if I need to carry additional weight?"

"It's tested for ONE, agent Uzumaki."

"Time to lose some weight then, fatty," Sasuke teased.

Naruto gave Sasuke a hurt look, and felt around his waist for the supposed love handles. Sasuke continued to glare at him accusingly, and mouthed out slowly: _fatty._ Naruto pushed all the items Y issued him into his duffle bag, thanked him for the assistance, and left without looking at Sasuke.

________

"You know," Naruto said between bites, "you don't have to be such a jerk all the time." He looked briefly as Sasuke as he slurped up more of his beef ramen. The landscape rushed by the window of the dining car they sat in. The train was still several hours out from the Duelist Village. They had travelled together in relative silence, speaking only when necessary to each other. Sasuke had been quietly enjoying his pecan chicken salad when Naruto spoke. He looked up slowly.

"Don't I?" he responded rhetorically.

"We have to work together, I don't see why we can't just get along."

Sasuke dabbed his mouth gingerly with his napkin, and met Naruto's eyes. "My reasons are manifold, where to start…"

The waiter came by their table again. Naruto ordered another vanilla cola, Sasuke asked for a glass of wine.

"Let's start with that. You're far too immature, inexperienced, and IN over your head for this mission. There's too much at stake for your childish games!"

"But Sasuke," Naruto said, confused, "my mission is to PLAY a children's game. Play for money, power, and the safety of the free world, yes, but play a kid's game none the less! And I AM the best player in the Anbu, so I'm a natural choice." He finished confidently.

Sasuke cocked an eyebrow, "and how you even got INTO the Anbu is a discussion for another time. Tell me, has it occurred to you that if you fail in your mission, our government will have directly financed Orochimaru's organization?"

Naruto met Sasuke's glare evenly. The setting sun coming in through the window cast long shadows across his face. "It has. But there's more to it than that. The card game has a lot to do with probability, the odds of drawing this card or that one…-"

"Probability and odds? How fortunate, here I was worrying our success was based on chance!" Sasuke blasted a volley of sarcasm at Naruto.

"We have a contact we're meeting up with upon arrival. She's a player from the Cloud Village, and has one of the best poker faces I've ever seen. Her government is cooperating with ours, so we have two players in on this plan."

"Oh good, so there IS a plan. Here I was thinking we were risking millions of Yen and countless lives on a game of luck. Anything else you want to point out?" Sasuke was no longer hiding his displeasure with the situation. A scowl was etched across his face.

Naruto paused as the train passed through a short tunnel. When the light came back he cocked his head slightly and smirked.

"About you? Well…you flaunt your handsomeness, wearing your smart suits and carefully styling your hair so that everyone pays attention to you. I suspect it's because, as a child, you were widely ignored by your family."

Sasuke stared at him blankly, "my entire family was murdered when I was a child."

"Judging by your reactions to my comments about your family, I'd say you were an orphan," Naruto continued, ignoring Sasuke, "but while you want attention, you don't want to get too close to people, which is why you act so aggressively and rude, and people mistake your insecurity for arrogance." Naruto finished, and smiled without showing his teeth.

Sasuke stiffened in his seat and maintained a nonplussed expression. "Alright then, Mr. Uzumaki, if that's how you want to play it," he dropped his napkin on the table and leaned forward. "Judging by the way you dress, no one ever showed you how to do it _properly._ You wear that ridiculous Anbu mask with foolish pride, which suggests you looked up to the Anbu agents as a child. That, coupled with the fact that your first thought of me was orphan, I'd say you're one too."

Naruto's smile faded to a neutral expression, and Sasuke grinned evilly. "Oh, I'm right? This poker face thing is fun. And you know, it makes sense. The Anbu look for maladjusted young men who don't care about sacrificing others – or even themselves – in the line of duty. Just look at the great Kakashi, his father committed suicide when he was just a boy. And I'm sure you agents of the Hokage have no qualms sacrificing even trusted allies and friends. We're disposable pleasures. So you'll excuse me if I'm keeping my eye on the mission and the money, and off your perfectly formed ass."

"Well I-….excuse me, what was that last part?" Naruto sputtered, and dropped his fork.

"Hmm? Nothing." Sasuke said innocently, "how was your ramen?"

"uh," he looked down at his bowl, "boiled. One sympathizes."

Sasuke got up and walked towards their shared room in the next car, "goodnight, Naruto."

Naruto sat in silence in the dining car for several long moments, watching the last rays of the sun fall behind the distant mountains.

"The fuck did he say about my ass?"


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3. How to Slaughter a House of Five

Listen.

Naruto Uzumaki has come unstuck in time.

"Oh no you don't," Naruto growled angrily at the author, who was sitting at the table across from him in the train dining car. The author looked over at him innocently.

"I don't care what you endured in high school, but unless zombie Kurt Vonnegut himself walks through that door," Naruto gestured down the narrow walkway between tables to the door leading to the lounge car, "there will be NONE of that."

Just then, the door was flung open, and a well decayed man in a ragged brown suit entered the door. His hair –what was left of it – stuck every which way, and his sunken, blank eyes focused directly on Naruto. The ninja looked over at the author, who grinned triumphantly.

"OH MY GOD, ZOMBIES!" Squealed one of the waitresses in terror.

"OH MY GOD, ZOMBIES!" Squealed Naruto in excitement.

"OH MY GOD, ZOMBIES!" Squealed Ving Rhames in dismay.

"OH MY GOD, ZOMBIES!" Squealed Sasuke, in complete surprise.

"When did you get here?" Naruto demanded to Sasuke.

"I was hiding behind the door watching you," Sasuke replied plainly, "but maybe we should do something about this."

Naruto glared back over at the author, who was still grinning. "I won't give you the satisfaction!" he declared, and, grabbing Sasuke's wrist, exited the train car and closed the door.

Ving Rhames sighed and stood up from his table. He finished his glass of scotch and glared directly at zombie Kurt Vonnegut.

"There's only one way to kill a zombie," he growled with menace, picking up his shotgun from under the table, "blow its FUCKING head off." _CHA-CHICK._

"How did you bring a SHOTGUN onto the train?!" wailed another one of the passengers. The author stared at her, and she was promptly eaten by zombie Kurt Vonnegut. More zombies ambled into the train car through the door zombie Vonnegut used. Ving Rhames employed his own advice and began blowing their fucking heads off. He lined up the barrel with zombie Kurt Vonnegut's head, and blew it apart in a shower of gore and bone.

So it goes.

Naruto and Sasuke watched this through the dining car window.

"This is the most indulgent shit I've ever seen, and I've seen _Inglourious Basterds_," Naruto declared, hoping to impress Sasuke with his sharp wit.

"Never heard of it," Sasuke responded.

"Aww," Naruto whined, as he deflated into a slouch…

When he reached his floor, the man wasted no time going to his office. His heavy coat swept the floor, something the dirty offices desperately needed. He pulled down the hood of his coat as he walked in his office and clicked on the lights. Naruto blinked his eyes a few times to adjust to the sudden change, and looked around.

"Wait a second, what…I've already done this!" he declared. Kiba stood in the doorway, staring at him in a mixture of confusion and shock.

I said you'd come unstuck in time, Naruto.

"You effete, hedonistic bastard," Naruto grumbled, displaying his impressive use of the thesaurus.

"May I ask what you're doing here?" Kiba said at last.

Naruto glared up at him. "I don't even care this time. Die." He said, and shot a sword out of his mouth that pierced Kiba's chest, pinning him to the wall like a decoration. Naruto stared in horror at what he'd done, his mouth hanging wide open.

The author giggled, even as someone else came over and shoved him, claiming he stole his idea of stealing my idea…

Naruto was tied to a chair, stripped naked, beaten, and bloodied. A dim light swung slowly above him. He was in a sewer, by the looks of it. Dark, dank, and smelly. A man walked in front of him, holding what looked like a bowling ball on a chain. He stepped into the light and revealed a furious, gaunt face, white as a sheet, framed by long black hair. Orochimaru.

"Give me the codes, Uzumaki." He rasped.

"Wha-…codes? I don't. Look, I'm not the current Naruto. I think I'm from the past. The author is fucking with me back in chapter 3. Where are we now?"

Orochimaru held an expression of perplexed surprise, similar to a dog hearing its master's voice come from the answering machine.

He swung the bowling ball viciously, it came around, going under the chair, coming up to strike Naruto squarely in his royale kunai….

Naruto sat on the rooftop of the sunk building. Warm water bubbled about him as the hot sun hastily dried his clothes. He looked around, blinking in confusion. He realized he had shifted in time again. This time to the future again, the ninja surmised, as he did not recognize this place. He hastily checked his goods to make sure they were intact. He sighed with relief finding himself in one piece. He looked down beside himself-

Sasuke.

He was dead. Cold to the touch, soaking wet, and frozen in time with fear on his face.

So it goes.

_What happened?_

Naruto was looking through the train car window. He was dry again, and standing next to Sasuke, who stared at the younger ninja in bewilderment. Naruto tried to find the words to explain what had happened to him, but all that came out was "S…Sasuke…"

But he had been _dead!_

Naruto shook his head to clear his thoughts. It wasn't real. It wouldn't happen. The author was fucking with him. Kurt Vonnegut was in the next train car, after all. Shit happens.

Ving Rhames finished off the last of the zombies with the barrel of his shotgun shoved into its mouth. He pulled the trigger and a flash of blood soaked the rest of the room red. He glanced about the room briefly, and smiled victoriously.

"I hate fucking zombies," he intoned, and retired to his cabin.

Naruto and Sasuke re-entered the now blood-soaked dining car. Bits of zombie brain, flesh, and juice covered the entire area. Naruto nearly slipped in a puddle of blood before Sasuke caught him.

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it," Sasuke said in disgust, scrunching his nose at the scene.

The waitress reemerged from the car wait station, covered in blood and gore, glancing in all directions nervously. She looked across the way at the two ninja.

"Check, please," Naruto and Sasuke said simultaneously.

____

They exited the train in silence. Naruto had been strangely quiet since the zombie slaughter on the train. At first Sasuke enjoyed the silence, but it grew deafening, until he couldn't take it anymore.

"I can't take it anymore, Uzumaki, why are you so quiet?"

"Huh?" Naruto said absently. He looked up in time to walk directly into a light post. He grabbed his head and cursed loudly, drawing the attention of several onlookers. He started forward again, hit his head once more, and this time sidestepped while emitting a string of rude epithets that would make a sailor blush.

"You haven't said anything since your episode on the train. Not that I'm complaining, but if you aren't in top shape for this mission, you better get over whatever is bothering you."

"I'm fine. That Kurt Vonnegut tried to pull a number on me," Naruto explained plainly, "but I'm better now. How far away is our contact?"

"Not much further. She's waiting for us at the Casio Casino, in the Suzuki Plaza. It's near Sushi Street," Sasuke replied without a trace of irony.

Naruto glanced over his shoulder at the man following them with a laptop in hand.

"Dude, you are so racist."

"You still don't seem alright," Sasuke said, with what seemed like a trace of concern. Naruto turned to reply, when zombie Kurt Vonnegut appeared out of a dark corner and grabbed Sasuke.

"FUCKING ZOMBIES!" a voice roared inside the train. The one leaving the station, and the two ninja, behind.

"Oh shit, Ving Rhames isn't here to save us this time!" Naruto wailed as he attempted to pull zombie Kurt Vonnegut off Sasuke.

"That was meeeee…that was I…" zombie Kurt Vonnegut moaned, "that was the author of this boooook. Also, BRAAAAIIINNNNSSSS."

Sasuke leveraged his weight under the decaying author and flipped him over on his back. Still holding zombie Vonnegut's arm, he broke it in two places, and then tore it off his rotting body. He finished off the bane of classrooms with a kunai in the eye.

"A bird…said…." Zombie Kurt Vonnegut moaned, and shaking a rattle loudly, he expired.

"This is the single weirdest chapter ever," Naruto said.

"And it's only chapter 3," Sasuked sighed in resignation.

A bird chirped. _Poo-tee-weet?_


End file.
